The clack of Tobi’s shoes resounded in the hallway as he approached the Director’s Office, folder in hand. He snapped his fingers in greeting to others as they passed, sharing the occasional ‘Chairman!’ or ‘My guy!’ to those whose names he didn’t know (and whose names he had no intention of asking for because after working with them for close to four years already, that would be all kinds of awkward!)
He peeked into the large main office area where Miss Ekaette sat behind her desk outside the Director’s office. A CNN newsfeed was streaming over the flat-screen television on the opposite wall. “Good morning, young lady!” he exulted.
She looked up from her laptop briefly. “Mr. Owoeye,” she said with a nod.
He let himself in. “Please, Mr. Owoeye was my Dad.”
She smirked, shaking her head. “Keep using lines like that and you just might end up a Nollywood character from 2002. You’ve got the loud shoes down already.”
“Heh, touché. I was just passing by so I thought, hey, I might as well just share my report early.” He pulled out a USB stick from his pocket. “It’s all in there. Typed, edited and justified.”
Ekaette stared at stick. “And you could not just mail it in like a normal person?”
“Who said I was normal?”
He wasn’t sure if he saw her roll her eyes at that. It was hard telling expressions these days, behind the masks everyone was wearing. “Well, you’re sha not putting that flash on my system,” she said. “I don’t need to be battling viruses at this time.”
“But I thought you were vaccinated.”
She did not respond for a while, typing away on her system. “When you’re tired you’ll go back and mail it in.”
He nodded, tapping his fingers on the armrests. “Good talk. I’ll just let myself out, then.”
He could not wait to get out, with the awkwardness of it all. This was probably not the best time for banter, he figured. Nevertheless, even when he got to the door, something about it all made him pause. Miss Ekaette was generally always cynical, yes, but something about today gave him a little concern. He was not sure if he was overthinking it, but he just could not leave yet.
“Are you alright, Ekaette?”
She stole a brief glance at him, continuing with her work. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
His hand was still on the doorknob, but he could not leave just yet. “Are you?”
This time she looked up at him, squinting as she weighed his words. “Are you really asking?” she asked.
He did not know which way to respond just yet. It felt awkward. He felt stupid. He considered throwing in a random pun to lighten the mood and get out of the moment.
“How am I?” She pushed her laptop away, flicked her braids out of her eyes and buried her face in her palms. Her voice came out as a hoarse whisper. “Honestly, I don’t know.”
Now Tobi knew his premonition was valid. He pulled up a chair and took a seat.
God, what do I say? Am I supposed to say something?
“It’s just … too much,” Ekaette said, pulling down her mask. “I mean, every day you think it can’t get any worse but it just keeps getting worse, and worse, and worse.” With each ‘worse’, she banged her fist on the table. Tobi had never seen her so emotionally expressive, and it was awkward for him. “Every single day…”
For the first time in a very long time, he felt stuck. He was used to interjecting conversations with the odd quip or pun, but even he knew that those would be inappropriate now.
God, please show me what to say. Don’t leave me hanging here.
“So much on my mind to settle,” she continued. “And I have no idea where to start. I can barely concentrate. Like, I have been on this page for hours now, and I have no idea where my mind has been. I’ve not figured out how to settle my rent yet, and it’s due by the end of next month. It’s just the first week of July and there’s too much month at the end of my money!”
Tobi winced, trying to understand that last sentence. “I think you meant—“
“Oh, I meant what I said. Transport, food – everything just keeps sapping my account dry like there’s no tomorrow because of this messed up godforsaken country! And, oh, don’t even get me started about how messed up the country is. Just thinking about it makes me … weak.”
She wrapped herself in her arms, rocking as she spoke. “Every day there’s a new low. After last October, something snapped within me. It’s as if every hope I had that we could change this system and make it better just … died. It feels like the end of the world, but the world just doesn’t want to end yet.”
Tobi nodded quietly. She was referring to the protests against police brutality in 2020, the narrative of which was hijacked by malefactors and overshadowed by political agendas. It had come to a peak with the mass shooting of protesters at Lekki in Lagos, an evil further aggravated by the large scale attempts at a cover up or, worse, to trivialize its implications. The issues plaguing the country for decades had already suffocated many a Nigerian’s hope in the nation, but October 2020 was the last straw for the younger generation, awakening them to the reality their forbears had been facing for generations.
Tobi was grateful that he did not need to speak just yet. The more silent he was, the more she was able to talk. Perhaps that was a good thing, he surmised.
“And the news!” Ekaette continued, pointing at the television overhead. “The kidnappings and attacks. Terrorists, bandits, insurgents … whatever new word they come up with. Do you know the worst part? It’s that the casualties have become nothing but numbers to me now. 50, 500, 490 … just numbers. I’m just numb anytime I hear of another attack.” She shook her head at the thought. “I feel nothing. I’m just a terrible person.”
Tobi had taken the cue to go turn off the TV while she spoke. He did not feel any less awkward. Was he to place a hand on her shoulder, or give a hug, or just sit and feel as stupid as he already felt? This was uncharted territory for him, and he felt helpless. He could identify with much of what she said. “You’re not a terrible person,” he managed.
But Ekaette wasn’t done. “And even now, when I’m supposed to be doing my work, I don’t have the strength to get anything done! I dare not even get on WhatsApp, otherwise people would know that I’m online and I’ve seen their messages. I don’t have the strength to respond to anyone. That notification bell sickens me now. I feel like such a failure. I can’t do anything right. Me with my scatterbrain and…” She placed her head on the table. “I can’t. I just can’t.”
Tobi stared at her, wondering what to say. If he was to be honest, he felt the same way a lot of the time. Most jokes at the country’s expense were Nigerians’ attempts to get through another dreadful day, really.
He placed a hand on hers. “Hey. It’s going to be okay.”
“Come on, you don’t really believe that.”
He hesitated before responding. “I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed,” he said. “Maybe it’s not the same as what you feel, but I have felt my own share.”
She sat up and stared at him, her hair tussled around her face. Having to stare at her while talking made it feel harder, so he avoided her gaze.
“Believe me, I know. A lot of this is messed up,” he said, gesturing around. “All of this makes no sense. Everything is going crazy. I get it.”
She just stared, but she still looked disheveled and spent. “You know, you don’t have to try to help if you’ve got nothing to say. It’s perfectly alright.”
He exhaled. “Phew, thanks.”
“I think I just needed to vent.”
“It do be like that sometimes. I couldn’t even come up with a good motivational speech. I drew a blank there.”
At least they were able to smile at that.
“You know what I tell myself when I feel I can’t do anything right?” Tobi asked. “I choose to do what’s ‘left’.” He grinned, but she didn’t seem to get the joke. “You know, ‘cause the opposite of right is—“
“I got it,” she said, not even amused in the least.
Ok, you went too far that time, Tobi.
“Maybe you might need to just stay off the news for a while. No breaking news for a while. Maybe even put your phone on ‘Silent’ or something, so that the ringing doesn’t get to you too much. At least until you can handle it.”
“Yeah, like I haven’t thought about that before,” she muttered sarcastically. “But thanks. I’ll … I’ll do that.”
Tobi took a deep breath. Maybe all she really needed was an ear, and he was perfectly fine with that. But he could see himself in her words too.
“There’s this verse in the Bible that says, ‘When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.’* I guess, sometimes, when things are out to overwhelm me, I’m learning that I need to remember that God is bigger than it all. He promised to never leave us or forsake us**. We can trust that He will keep His word.”
She wiped a tear. “At this point, that’s easier said than done.”
“Times are hard. But God is still good.” He noticed she smirked and shook her head. “What?”
“It’s easy to draw the ‘God card’ when you don’t have the answers. Just throw in a little Christianese and we’ll convince ourselves that every problem is just sorted out.”
He thought about that. “Well … I actually don’t have all the answers, yes. And … you’re kind of right.”
She was visibly surprised at that. “Really?”
“That, yeah, some of us have the tendency to cover our problems with an ‘It is well’ or ‘May God sha help us’, or something. But it doesn’t mean that there isn’t something real to all this. Our very real challenges make us want to find something real that we can hold on to. Everything that’s fake fades away when push comes to shove. I believe that, beyond the appearances and doubts and stuff, there is still something real here.”
She folded her arms. “I don’t follow.”
Tobi did not feel equipped for an apologetic discussion. He could only speak from his thoughts and experiences. “The way I see it, at this point, it’s either God is real or He’s not. All His promises to protect and preserve us in the midst of trouble, it has to be true. And if it is, I believe that I’m going to see it, God’s goodness. Unless, of course, it’s not real. And if it’s not, well … it would fade away in the face of adversity.”
He wondered what was going on in her mind through all of this. She just kept staring at him incredulously. “People have suffered and died,” she said. “Some of them even prayed. Doesn’t that prove that God does not solve everything? Or that, maybe, all of this is just in our heads?”
He had thought about that many times. “You know, He never actually promised that we would never suffer. Jesus did say that there would be challenges and tribulations, but He also reminded us that but that He has overcome. If we really trust Him, I guess we have to believe that that’s the Truth; that He has overcome, and that we have also.”
“But what does that even mean?” Ekaette asked. “But when it comes right down to it, how does that change anything in these very real experiences? How does that put money in my account?”
He shrugged. “I don’t know. But I think it means that He can deliver us from our challenges. But even if challenges rush in like a flood, they will not drown us. When it appears they’d consume us like fires, they’ll not burn us either***. When we walk through the darkness of pain and the unknown, He will be our light****.”
She shook her head. “You’re just full of those, aren’t you? You’ve got a verse for everything.”
He couldn’t help but smile. “Well, not everything … yet,” he said with a wink.
“But you truly believe this stuff?”
“Honestly, many times I need to remind myself. It’s why I keep the Word on my mind. Just saying them out right now is me reminding myself too.”
She exhaled. “But do you really believe that stuff?”
“I believe…” Tobi paused here. He thought about this all the time. When the pandemic and lockdowns had begun, he had needed to face up to questions about his faith and what he truly believed. The basis of his trust and of his life had stared him in the face more now than ever, and in the months hence, he had come from questions to answers to even more questions.
He knew that he could have easily given an answer that tied everything up positively in a neat bow. However, he could be nothing here if not honest.
“I believe that … even though I can’t see or feel like it sometimes, God is still with me because He’s promised. He is true to His promise. Even when it’s hardest, and. Even in my questions, and oh, I have so many, I believe He’s guiding me in Truth. I don’t understand everything now, but gradually I’ll get to know what’s most important much better. I believe He can strengthen me when it’s getting heavy. And I believe that, even if the challenges eventually end me … well, that’s not the worst that could happen.”
She blinked. “As far as pep talks go, that was not one.”
“No, I’m serious. We’re all leaving the planet someday, whether we’re astronauts or not.” She didn’t react to that one either, so he moved on. “But Jesus defeated death, and because I have received His gift, I have won too. I don’t have to fear Death. What can Death do to me, if not to take me home to my Father?”
She ruminated on his words. “Yeah, that doesn’t sound suicidal at all.”
“Au contraire. How I live is different, even with all its challenges. Because we don’t have to fear death, we can confidently live and do much more, even when it’s hard. We’ve got God’s very life on our insides. He gives us wisdom on what to do and where to go, and we can be joyful in the midst of challenges. Even when it’s tough, He can still make me a blessing and encouragement to others. Like He’s doing right now.”
Ekaette arched a brow. “Really?”
“Really really.”
She picked up her phone and swiped through. “Nope, my bank account’s still the same. Nothing’s changed.”
He chuckled. “C’mon Ekaette. You’re feeling better already, admit it.”
She waved a hand dismissively. “Meh.”
“Well, it’s not about feelings.”
“Nice speech, though.”
“Nice speech?! I was pouring my heart out here!”
She scrunched her nose. “I don’t think I feel different. Sorry. No dice.”
He shook his head. “And here I was going to pray with you, but clearly you’re not taking any of this seriously.” He pushed himself to his feet. “At least I tried.”
“Might as well just pass the offering plate now,” she said whimsically as he headed for the door. “Hey, Tobi!” He turned. “Thanks a lot. For listening. For everything.”
He smiled. “Anytime. About your work, just take it in stride. One at a time.”
“Yeah. But I could do with a break sometime too.”
“Yes. As soon as you can, take it.”
“And that thing you said about … you know, praying for me? I could probably do with some of that too.”
For what it was worth, Tobi realized that the inclination to wait behind was probably for a reason. Ekaette was bursting with questions and full of doubt, but he was here. Perhaps, in one small way, God wanted him here for her, even in her questions and doubt.
“It would be my genuine pleasure,” he said.
Hi there! Emmanuel here!
Many of us the world over are going through some very difficult times out here. But, like Tobi, I pray for you that the Lord keeps your heart at rest and at peace. I pray that your heart is receptive to hear the songs of deliverance He is singing over you. I pray that He strengthens you on the inside and keeps you aglow, no matter how dark it is out there. I pray that you remain strong in faith, able to stand in the day of adversity.
I pray that your confidence in His Love is unshaken, and that you are an effective channel of His love to others.
And I pray that, when your heart is overwhelmed, you remember the Rock that is higher than all your problems.
God loves you, and He is for you.
In Jesus’ Name.
Amen.
VERSES MENTIONED
- From the end of the earth I call to You, when my heart is overwhelmed and weak; Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. (Psalm 61:2)
- Keep your lives free from the love of money, and be content with what you have, for God has said, “I will never leave you or abandon you.” (Hebrews 13:5)
- Jacob, the LORD created you. Israel, he made you, and now he says, “Don’t be afraid. I saved you. I named you. You are mine.
When you have troubles, I am with you. When you cross rivers, you will not be hurt. When you walk through fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not hurt you. (Isaiah 43:1,2)
- Even if I walk through a valley as dark as the grave, I will not be afraid of any danger, because you are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)
What do you do when you are overwhelmed? Have you ever felt overwhelmed? Kindly share your experiences.
Thank you!
Emmanuel Onimisi 